An open letter to the men on the beaches of Haifa

To the general male public on the beach:
1. You are ruining my beach experience.
2. I do not have a light.
3. I do not even have a match.
4. I do not have a cigarette to lend you.
5. I do not want to take one of yours, either.
6. Just because you are sitting beside me does not give you license to talk to me as if I was your girlfriend.
7. I have zero interest in being your girlfriend.
8. You cannot have my number
9. I won't give it to you for "your friend" over there
10. I don't want yours, either.
11. I have a boyfriend.
12. Despite your more popular and ridiculously offensive sayings, a boyfriend is a wall.
13. If it means that you'll go away, yes, he is on his way over.
14. In five minutes.
15. So leave.

To the soldiers on leave, on the beach:
1. Just because you are wearing your uniform does not mean that I am interested in having you talk to me.
2. I do not have a light.
3. Seriously, the percentage of smokers in the army should be of some concern to the medical corps.
4. If you insist on wearing your full dress uniform on the beach, it means you don't need my sunscreen.
5. So don't ask me for any.
6. I will not rub it on your back.
7. That's what your commander is for.
8. So leave.


To the high schoolers, skipping school, on the beach:
1. Just because I'm wearing a ponytail does not mean I'm in your league
2. If you really want to impress your friends, don't talk to me - go buy the homeless man a bottle of water.
3. I don't have a light.
4. Don't you have exams to study for?
5. So leave

To the police officers who feel the need to 'patrol' by my towel every ten minutes:
1. I am on the grassy hill. The other 95% of beachgoers are on the boardwalk below.
2. I think your idea of "Best Use of Resources" is a little off
3. As far as I can tell, your job description consists of sitting under the shade, eating watermelon seeds, and then conducting a patrol from the tree under which you were sitting, to the garbage can up the grassy hill to spit out the watermelon seeds, walk back and forth behind my towel, (because I totally can't see you there. At all. ) and then return to your tree, next to which is a much more convenient garbage can.
4. You're right - that ant hill perpendicular with my bikini top looks awfully suspicious.
5. Am I wearing a Marlboro's advertisement? I don't have a freaking light.
6. Just because those 17 year olds are from your village does not mean that it's okay to outsource detective work to them.
7. Which means when you get one of them to come to me and ask for my number for his 'friend', and then come back and report to you my answer, and I am still on top of the grassy hill, whereas your tree is directly within my line of vision, I see you.
8. Bikini update: I am still lying on my beach towel. My bikini is also somewhere on my person.
9. Resume your post.
10. I will be back tomorrow. If I catch you pulling this shit then, I will a- raise all kinds of hell b-take cellphone pictures of your nameplate and c-report you to your supervisor.
11. I hope you're excited for your transfer to the mall parking lot.
12. So leave.

Love and kisses,
That Ice-Cold Bitch, Who Really Has No Interest In Anything Other Than Tanning and Reading Her Book.

I may need to buy stock in lighters.